No, that's not the kind of Spirits I wanted for Christmas.
You know you're getting old when your friends and family start giving you booze as gifts and you know you're getting even older when you would like nothing more than booze when the holidays roll around.
Welcome to the 28th of December 2017 - no more Christmas, no more Boxing Day even, just the Grinchiest of all the holidays await: New Year's Eve, which I fucking hate.
Normally, the days between Christmas and New Year's Eve are like no man's land where nobody really knows what the date, time or day of the week is and I can totally get behind that, but this year it's annoyingly different for me because my Dude is working through the holidays and by some cruel twist of fate, so also is our best friend. And it sucks ass.
That's why instead of enjoying these no-man's-land-days in bed underneath the air conditioner, only interrupting it by Youtube-watching and sex-having and emerging hours later to either go drink at best friend's house or have him come here, I'm sitting at the fucking computer not knowing what to do with myself so instead I'm going between watching reruns of old series, feeling guilty for not working on my 2017 editing backlog and wrestling with my thoughts.
Because the past few weeks had also been spiritual awakening times.
This is going to be hard to write.
PREFACE: I seem to be going through spiritual awakening. I think. It certainly feels like it, if the Googles are to be believed. I don't know if the concept even exists or if it's even real, but nothing feels real anymore anyway and I just need to words about it somewhere lest I lose my shit completely.
In what seems to be some cosmic joke, my Dude is going through awakening as well (his started before mine, and it may have triggered mine but I cannot be sure - I don't know how these things are supposed to work), but I'm not going to delve into anything he's going through, this blog and this post is about me and me trying to cope with this bullshit.
It all started with a business trip the beginning of November, but thinking back (and reading back through this blog), it may have actually started sooner. It may have been in the works for months without me even realising.
The business trip up-country was one of the most difficult and stressful ones I've ever taken. Sure, it was also an enormous amount of fun but for the most part, it was hellishly tough in ways that I did not anticipate at all.
I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know what myself even felt like before.
I'm so acutely aware that my entire life and my entire existence as I know it had been a lie and I cannot deal with it. I cannot deal with the pain that's always been there, but is now being surfaced like the dregs that was once at the bottom of a deep pond that had suddenly been churned up.
Everything about myself, about who I was had revolved around pain: the pain I have caused others and the pain others have caused me. I cannot escape it.
I feel like my fiancé doesn't love me anymore, like he cancelled our wedding because he is secretly trying to find a way out of his life with me. Like he's falling in love with someone else and like he's trying to cut me out slowly because "he doesn't want to hurt me", even though him hurting me is inevitable. (All I know is that I want to be with him with every fibre and cell and neuron of my being but a part of me also thinks about if you love him, love him enough to let him go and be himself and this is fucking killing me.)
MY DUDE, PLEASE FIGHT FOR ME - I CAN'T FIGHT FOR US ON MY OWN.
I CAN'T LOVE YOU ON YOUR TERMS AND YOUR TERMS ALONE.
YOU ARE NOT THE GOD OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. NEITHER AM I.
PLEASE FIGHT FOR ME! I'M WORTH YOU FIGHTING FOR ME!
I feel like I'm not enough - like I'm not worthy enough - for someone to love me as I am. I don't even know what I am.
I feel empty, lost, disconnected, isolated and without any motivation, passion or goals. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to take photos anymore. I don't want to do anything.
I can't cope with this. All this is doing is making me see what a fucking disgusting, awful human being I am and was and how all of those things were things I put in place myself. Which makes me wonder if by doing so doesn't make me even more awful of a person.
Nothing feels like me anymore and I don't know who me is anymore.
I'm just an empty collection of thoughts, wasting a biological vessel on Earth in a pointless life.
Can't deal anymore.
I want to drown. Please let me drown.